Tarnished.

With 'Stand Up 2 Cancer' being on last night, I feel like now is an appropriate time to write about this. We see people everywhere we look but you never really think about how much it will effect you until it strikes. Cancer is always describes as something that hollows you out, you feel empty even though the tumour is consuming you but it's never just the sufferer who's affected. In December of last year my Grannie was diagnosed with cancer in her liver. Naturally this meant constant trips to the hospital for radiotherapy and chemotherapy as we witnessed the woman that we love deteriorating with every passing day. She always complained a lot anyway, she was one of those stereotypical old people who talks to everybody and complains about everything but she'd started to stop, she was just accepting things for the way they were and using phrases like "it could have been worse" she'd never done that before so when we saw her start to get back to her usual ways we started to pick up. Then after her 3 months of treatment that led her yo being in hospital on my 18th birthday, she was finally pronounced clear of cancer around early May. This meant that she got to enjoy her 80th birthday without worrying about her physical wellbeing.  Things were going great for a couple of months but then in August she started getting sick again and that was when we got the news that the cancer was back and there was nothing that they could do and was pronounced with a few months left to live. Obviously being told that you're going to die is not what anybody wants to be told but her deteriorating physical state it started to lead to her entering a mental downward spiral. She suffers from panic attacks multiple times a week, when she wakes up in the middle of the night she doesn't know what's going on, my mum had to visit her at least 2 times a day because she can't stand the loneliness and God forbid she goes into a care home. My uncle would has just started a job in Manchester had to fly over every other month to lighten the load that's been placed on my Mum.
The main struggle that I'm facing is with being away from home during the week I never know exactly what's going on at home. When I returned from university this weekend I was met by my mother telling me that Grannie's health was deteriorating greatly and that she'd just been admitted into hospital. I went to volunteer with the youth at my church knowing g that my mum was at the hospital alone with mr Grannie getting the latest results from her scan. The results had shown that the cancer was rapidly spreading through her liver and it was only going to spread more. The thing that brings someone the most happiness when they return shouldn't be to know that their grandmother isn't dead yet but knowing that she's not got much longer and then leaving again and not knowing what you'll return to. I'm unsure as to what is bringing me the most heartache, whether it'll be losing my Grannie forever or how my mum is going to react when it happens having lost her dad 7 years ago because I know that this whole situation has eaten her up the most. I'm scared to leave her each Sunday knowing that I may not ever see her again being away means I spend far less time with her than usual and I just want to be there to support my family throughout everything. So if I ever seem a bit down just know that the internal battle of emotions and head and heart is ongoing daily and sometimes the front I put up has to be let down. We have an army praying for her but it's a struggle.

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